You may have heard the term “front loading” before, but how do you put that into practice?
Let’s start with the purpose of front loading. One of the ways we can help our kids regulate, and regulate ourselves, is by making the unknown, known. By reducing the number of unknown things in a day we have to cope with, the more regulated we can be. When we let our kids know what is going to happen next, front loading, we are reducing the number of unknown things in the day, which also reduces anxiety.
Do you keep a planner or agenda? Do you write out your "to do" list? This is how you are front loading yourself. Whether you keep formal lists and schedules, or just have a general idea of what's happening in the day, you are making the unknown known. This gives your nervous system a degree of safety which helps you regulate and reduces anxiety.
Let’s consider for a moment what our life would feel like if we had no agenda, no schedule, no plan for the day:
You wake up and it's light outside, the birds are chirping, and there's no alarm clock. You know you're in your bed, in your bedroom, but you have no idea what day or time it is. You get up and look around. It seems like a typical day, but you don't know WHAT day it is, Saturday? Monday? There are no clocks anywhere and no calendars. You grab your phone. Nope, no clock, and no day. You try to be sneaky by looking at the weather. It also has no dates, just today, tomorrow, 2 days from now etc. For some reason you can't remember what yesterday was either. You know you have a job, are you supposed to be at work? Do you need to wake your daughter up for school? What is happening?
While reading this, can you feel the tension mounting in your body? How is it even possible to not know these basic things? Most adults have a routine and schedule that helps us know what needs to happen next. Some of us need it very clearly laid out with details about what happens each hour, or half hour, or even every 15 minutes. Others are comfortable rolling with whatever the day brings, but still have an idea of the basic time blocks that make up the day and what needs to be accomplished.
So what about children? Does a four year old have an agenda? Does a seven year old use a list making app? Does a 10 year old set their own schedule for the day? Kids may have some basic routines that they have been taught by their parents and learned through repetition. They may even get used to the ebb and flow of their family, knowing that mom needs coffee in the morning (that would be me) and that dad leaves for work early. But, for the most part, it’s the adults around them who set the schedule and make decisions about what is happening each day. In order to help their nervous system stay regulated and give them the capacity to cope with changes during the day, they need to know what's happening. They need the plan.
Sharing your plans for the day might feel like a lot of work, and in the beginning it can be! However, after a bit of practice it will become second nature, and you will see how much easier it can make the day for everyone. Imagine if your kids were ready for school on time, and did most of the work to prepare all by themselves?
Here are some ideas on how to share the agenda so everyone feels confident and regulated:
1. If everyone can read, use a whiteboard or paper to create a quick schedule for the day. If you need to use pictures, you can download some great templates from the internet and print them out.
2. If you have things that need to happen at set times, add the actual time to the schedule. For example, you might add, “Leave for school at 8:15.” If not, then break the schedule up into morning and afternoon, rather than estimating the time. This allows for some flexibility if everything doesn’t go exactly as planned.
3. When you have open time, you can either write it in your schedule, or just leave it blank.
4. You don’t always have to be super specific. For example, writing “get groceries” might be enough, rather than “go to Superstore for groceries”. For those who are rigid they may struggle if you decide to go to a different store, or if you get things that aren’t groceries at Superstore.
5. If you’re not committed to a certain activity, you can always add it as a “Maybe.” I have found that it’s better to say “we might go to the park” than scheduling it and cancelling it. If it might rain or the friends you’re meeting might not make it, letting kids know that it is not an absolute can be helpful if plans have to change
6. Keep it consistent. Create an intentional morning routine, after school routine, and bedtime routine, and keep them as consistent as possible. In my house, my husband and I would alternate bedtime routine. We kept the routine the exact same but one night dad would help and the next night it would be mom. The routine stayed the same, even though the responsible parent would change.
7. If you need to change something in the schedule, let your kids know as soon as you can, and empathize with them if they struggle to accept the change. We can help them process and integrate their feelings by saying something like, “It’s hard when we plan for one thing and it suddenly changes.” Keep your words simple, and refrain from saying anything that suggests they should be able to adjust. Flexibility will come in time, and as they mature and are able to find confidence in themselves, they will be more able to go with the flow.
There are a few things that you might not want to front load, or let your kids know about in advance. I know for some kids (and adults) getting an immunization, or bloodwork done, can be particularly anxiety provoking. For things like these, you know your child and what works best for them. Sometimes letting them know well in advance and offering some coping skills can be helpful, while other times waiting until the last minute is the best choice, because the stress of knowing would dysregulate them for days. When they are little, you’ll need to go with your gut and decide what you think is best. When they are older, you can ask them what they would prefer and honour their choice.
Another part of front loading, is telling kids what comes next. This may feel awkward at first, but in time it will become second nature. For example, when your child comes home from school, let them know they will have a snack then have some free time until supper. If there are any other expectations, like chores or homework, let them know when that needs to happen. This can be ongoing throughout the day to help manage kids’ expectations.
Increasing emotional regulation is always at the forefront of my work. The more we experience regulation, the more easily we can return to it when things throw us off. Front loading is one of the key tools I use to increase emotional regulation and reduce anxiety. It’s one of the quickest and easiest ways to make changes and has an almost immediate effect on children’s behaviour.
Written by Megan Umphress, MSW, RSW